“Love is the greatest commandment on which all other commandments are based;  We are here to bring a particular gift of talent into the world, without which the world would be a poorer place;   Time is a gift that is only given to us moment by moment; The gifts of grace, faith, talent, life, nature and breath are free;  All gifts are given to be given away.”  - Esther Armstrong

It was my 4 yo’s birthday about a week ago.  Both of my sons were born in October and it makes for a busy time.  We took him to the zoo which was fun for the whole family.  We saw a Russian Grizzly Coast exhibit and even saw a grizzly bear up close swimming in the water.  We saw very playful sea otters doing somersaults and various back floats up close.  I could have sat there for a long time watching them play in the frigid water. 

My 4 yo son kept saying it was “the lucky day of his life” and he was walking with an extra spring in his step the whole time.  He seems very proud to be four and seems eager to get bigger and older.  My, how quickly this time passes.  Just the other day he was 3 yo and it seemed like that time would always be there for us.

When I snuggle with him at night now, it is with the knowledge that these days are numbered.  That as much as I want him to be small enough to carry and sweet enough to kiss and hug freely without any embarrassment or hesitation, I realize that it will not always be this way.

So this thinking brings me back to the idea of mindful living.  And this blog.  You would think seeing the name, The Mindful Homeschool, every time I log in would make me want to live more mindfully or at least check myself to see if the day has been mindful, or if my thoughts have been mindful.  Or most importantly, perhaps, if my parenting has been mindful.   Or mindless.

When I do sit and think about it, I worry that so much of my life is so mindless!  So much of my time is spent like there will always be a tomorrow, another day, another opportunity to do it right, mend the bad habit, start anew, become the best mom I can be! 

But sadly, it isn’t so.  My mindless habits are getting worse.  I spend way too much time on the computer these days.  Way too much time in front of a screen when I could be reading a book to my kids, or playing with my dc, or tending to the household chores, or sitting in meditation or practicing yoga, or reading a good book and mindfully doing what I want to be doing with my life.  

Even if I live to be 120 (!), life will be too short.  My children will be small children for only so long.  And I will be at the epicenter of their lives for such a limited time. 

It goes back to one of my previous posts where I wondered why is it that we don’t do what we know we should do?  

My yoga teacher has been saying lately that yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory.   I think life is the same.  I can spend all the ”free time” I have reading blogs and reading emails in search of the perfect parenting techniques, the perfect way to manage my homeschool and personal life and balance out all my needs.  But at some point, I have to say, “Enough.”  And start living and being the person I want to be.    The ”goshdarn” reality is that I have to be there, practicing - living my life.  I have to be parenting, not just reading and writing about parenting.  I have to be homeschooling, not just reading and writing about homeschooling. 

For a person like me who loves to read and write, the internet has been a great way for me to gather information and connect with others.  But I cannot mindlessly allow it to dominate my life.  So somehow, I must start living my life.   And I have to start right now.  Because as the quote above so beautifully articulates, 

“Time is a gift that is only given to us moment by moment;  The gifts of grace, faith, talent, life, nature and breath are free;  All gifts are given to be given away.”

Happy Birthday! 

Well, it was round 2 with the neighbors.  The day was so taxing; it might be hard to recall all of it.  I went to talk to the neighbor about the situation we found out about last week.  As you may recall from an earlier post, the neighbor boy had been behaving badly with my 3 yo.  So I went over there after a few days (or more!) of simmering.  I knew that I would not feel right until I told her the complete version of what happened and what I had found out. 

It went surprisingly well.  Her 10 yo daughter (when questioned by me) tearfully agreed that the “secret meetings” between the 8 yo and my son happened more than once, that her brother was the one who initiated it, and that she saw more than she was telling her mom.  This is not what Nikki had told her mother before.  I felt as though my concerns were taken seriously and that R, my neighbor, believed me and my kids.  I felt like we could all work on mending the relationship and hoped that her son would be disciplined appropriately.  Then H-man, C-chan and Nikki, the neighbor, hung out together with another neighbor girl, and read books in N’s garage until lunch time.  However, later in the afternoon when my kids attempted to say, “Hi” to the neighbors they were ignored.  I felt hurt all over again.  And I think my kids were thinking the same thing. 

I thought, “Oh man, here we go again.”  We are back to being ignored, excluded, you name it.  But why do I care anymore?  Why can’t I just let it all go and move on?  Why haven’t I learned my lesson?  These are not people who make you feel good.  These are, at best, on again, off again friends.  And they can be mean and insensitive and of course, untruthful.  And mistreat my kids.  So why am I continuing this unhealthy relationship?  

The kids fought a lot today.  W came in afterwards and pounded on the wall.  He told me he did not know why but I think I do.  He thought things would be better with the neighbors across the street and … sadly they are not.  Later tonight our kids played in the front and pined after the “friends” across the street.  It was … pathetic?  Our boys openly stared at the 3 neighbor kids playing spud, a game I taught all of them a few years back.  W was openly mad and frustrated.  He has been saying, ”Why are they playing with everyone but us?”  I tried to explain why that might be.  Maybe they weren’t such good friends after all.  This is a hard lesson for us.  I have been wanting to be “all peaceful and loving” about all of this.  But now I am wondering why am I spending so much energy on this toxic relationship?   

At what point does a friendship become toxic?  At what point do you say, “Enough”.   I think I have reached that point.  It is at least the third time I have had problems with these neighbors.  And this latest situation has made me realize how unsafe things are with these kids around. 

Life is too short to waste it stewing over things, wishing things were different and putting up with less than decent relationships.  I guess I am a bit mad at myself for allowing me and my kids to get so involved with these people knowing that we have had serious issues in the past.  I don’t want to go back into a relationship with them and have this happen all over again or have it be even worse.  There is an issue of my kids’ safety and that cannot be taken lightly.

But how do I convince the kids that we need to let these friendships go?  They are hurting.  Which makes me even more angry.    

Big sigh.

Mindful friendships.  Mindful parenting.  Mindful neighbors?

And then there is that saying that brought me comfort a couple of years back when we were having issues with the other neighbors:  Difficult people are your best teachers.  Let me learn my lesson this time!

“A hundred times a day I remind myself that my life depends on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give, in measure as I have received, and am still receiving.”

-Albert Einstein (from Meditations from the Mat)

These are the three words I keep trying to repeat to myself today:  Sovereignity, empathy, and acceptance.  You see, I am reading Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting once again.  It is a book that takes time to read.  It takes time to absorb all the wisdom within it.  I had read parts of it before but like a lot of other books that I borrow from the library, I had to return it before I could finish reading all of it.  And I really need to read this book now.

Here is a nugget from one of the chapters in the book entitled “Acceptance”:

“As we learn to observe and accept our own wide range of feelings, including very turbulent ones, as part of our effort to be mindful, we naturally become more aware of other people’s feelings, especially our children’s.  We come to know something of the landscape of feelings and their changing nature, and are more likely to be sympathetic and less likely, at the same time, to take them personally.  We are better able to accept their experience and their feelings, even if we may not like how they are behaving.  In doing so, we are able to step out of the limited realm in which we as parents can often find ourselves, where we are so carried away by our own feelings and our attachment to our view of things that we cut ourselves off from our children and in some deep way, without realizing or intending to, abandon them.”

Practicing acceptance is a crucial component of mindful parenting, according to the authors.  Seeing and accepting things as they are, no matter how we feel about it.  

I find parenting to be so demanding and time-consuming and it is so overwhelming at times.  I find that there are times when my patience is lacking, my temper is short and I just need to be by myself.  Is that such a bad thing?  I love my kids but I need the time away to get a fresh perspective.   

It is when I am overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling spent that I am my worst self.  When I am able to step back and look at things from outside my cluttered head, I am able to regain a sense of calm and peace that is otherwise missing.  Maybe, practicing acceptance of my own feelings and behavior will allow me to accept my children’s feelings and behavior more easily.

And there are things my kids do that are really hard for me to accept.  The things they do (or don’t do) can drive me batty.  It can bring out the worst in me.  Accepting these things does not mean they can keep doing these things over and over without any intervening on my part.  But accepting the reality of it all could be the first step toward achieving more harmony in the household.  Not ignoring it and hoping it will go away. 

Of course, there are some things that I can just accept and let go of.  Things like the pen marks on the wall and the all-day pajama marathons.  Some things just aren’t that important to me.  Sure, I wish my toddler hadn’t drawn on the newly painted walls and colored on the bottom of our beautiful cherry wood dining table.  But eventually the walls will get painted over and no one but my family will probably ever see the underside of my dining room table.  And when we do look at the crayon marks under the table it will probably be with a sense of wistful nostalgia and remembrance of my 3 yo’s energy and creativity (for lack of a better word, lol).  If I wanted a perfectly decorated house, I wouldn’t have gotten married and had kids anyway.  Some things are fairly easy for me to accept and to let go.  

Other things are not as easy.  Some behavior requires my attention and problem-solving skills and starts to consume me if I am not careful.  This also requires a certain acceptance and letting go.  It is not good to ignore it and just sweep it under the rug but it also not healthy for me to allow it to cloud over my thinking and overtake me.    

So this week, when I take a little bit of time for myself,  I may be chanting my new mantra, ”Sovereignity, empathy and acceptance.”  And in doing so, I hope to cultivate more awareness of what my children really need from me, what I can let go of, and what I can do to help them grow up healthy and strong.

I don’t know what to write in my blog tonight.  It is not as if I don’t have anything to say.  In fact, it is quite the opposite.  I have tons of stuff floating around in my head but I am not sure what to focus on, how to say it and who I am directing it toward.  Yes, I lack clarity, focus and direction.  And I, to top it all off, I feel the onset of an internet addiction.  I love, love, love reading all these wonderful blogs.  There are so many great HS blogs; there are so many great yoga-themed blogs.  There are so many blogs!!!!  There is even a blog called “Cupcakes and Yoga”.  And I want to read all of them.  But here’s the thing:  I am a “very” SAHM to three kids and I have a husband, a house and a “homeschool”.  And then there’s my yoga practice which I will not give up/cannot give up.  It is one of the most powerful parenting tools I have right now.  And all of these things take up a lot of time. 

I cannot become an internet addict.  It would be very destructive to all of the aforementioned and so, from here on I am going to work on being much more mindful of how much time I can put into all this blogging right now, although I love it so…

Here is something to start the day off.  A quote for the day:

“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”

Thich Nhat Hanh  (Vietnamese Monk, Activist and Writer. b.1926)

Sometimes the days spent with the kids seem so long, but I realize more and more how quickly the years are going by and how quickly the kids are growing up.

That is why I want to be present for them in the moment.  This is my aim.  To be fully present for them as much as I can during this journey.  It is easy for me to fall into the mindlessness of it all.  There is so much to do.  But by practicing mindfulness and by chronicling our journeys here I hope to live more fully in the moment with my family. 

I am an AP mother.  I breastfed, wore my babies in a sling (when I wasn’t carrying them!), shared a family bed and practiced attachment parenting.  I don’t regret any of it.  I am still practicing attachment parenting.  But now that the kids are getting older (9, 7 and 3 yo)  I am realizing that I need additional tools.  That’s where the mindfulness comes into play.  I need to practice being aware, being in the moment and being present for my family. 

So this is where I plan to record all the things we do and all the things I want to do.  Moment by moment.